Tips & Tricks by Diehard Dustin Lee
Besides the zombie horde of Zack Snyder's Army of the brain-Dead swarming your local supermarket with filthy face diapers on their anus-mouths...you know, for sure, the Prison Planet is here when the house next door to you becomes the tower guard lording over your entire lot. (What is this? Stalag 13? SCHULTZ!?!) Well, this fella got fed up with not only the high definition video, but also, audio surveillance of his family within their own yard & living quarters. Check out The Turbine Guy's story to learn more on how this homegrown hero stood up for his rights using the power of love...err...music!
As you can see...it's simple, Bro Dimagio. You blast those creepy folks next door with a rad boombox like you're 22 year old John Cusack standing outside the house of the girl you really like...rockin' an Inspector Gadget-style tan trench coat...playing "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel with the volume cranked up to 11! (For those of you greenhorns who never owned a big ass D-cell-battery-guzzlin' portable stereo...they only go to 10 so that's what you's kids call these days: "so extra.")
(This is actually a recently snapped photo featuring a time traveling John Cusack, Believe It Or Not...who came to our present day to protest microwave radiation-emitting 5G towers placed near dwellings & promote safer so-called "vintage" tech. Yes, there's a Flux Capacitor AND a Hot Tub Time Machine in that whip...you already know, son.)
Wanna try it yourself? Take a look at these 3 fresh takes on the classic Boom Box.
If you buy one of those...or any of the items sneakretly linked in this article...we earn a small commission. (Like 2¢ after Big Guv theft taxes.) So that means: BUY AS MANY BOOMBOXES AS YOU CAN AND SURROUND YOUR YARD WITH THEM LIKE A FORTRESS WALL OF SOUND! Every little bit helps. 😉
Too bad they don't make a life-size Blaster and Soundwave. Not only could they play snazzy tunes but they could also TRANSFORM to regulate on Peeping Tom & Eavesdropping Jerry...launching lil' cassette tapes that flip into robotic animals to bite them on their cankles.
Wanna go even more old school? Bathe them in the warmth of an old timey record player set to play on an endless loop.
We highly recommend Michigan J. Frog's rendition of "Hello My Baby" for the ultimate triggering.
They'll likely come outside in a sheeple herd, screaming "REEEEEEEEE!"
(Warning: The video you are about to watch is disturbing and loud as fuck. Effie, brace yourself.)
Then if they step in your yard to do this:
That's like they stepped into the Cage of Death as heels. Which means you & tu familia can do this:
(This is our yard, bish!)
Speaking of bishes AND screaming...what about utilizing the services of one lady of the night...Sindel...from Mortal Kombat?
(On second thought...how about we nix that idea. Her breath is kickin' like Shang-Chi.)
Or if you like...you can step it up a notch with a more discrete Rock Speaker. Yes, every speaker is technically a "rock" speaker as long as they pass through some form of Elvis...but this is a speaker that looks like a rock.
(Uh...those are speakers that look like THE Rock & his Brahma Bull tattoo...not actual Rock Speakers.)
(But real quick...while we're speaking of our future POTUS to be selected by the Deep State "elected" to rule, tyrannically, over the "non-essential" serfs in this Idiocracy...remember this creepy-as-fuck Saturday Night Lame skit? Download it, pass it around to your neighbors on burned CD & DVDs like me & the C.A.W. boys did in the ol' "Backyard Wrestling" days, put it on a thumbdrive, slap it in a EMP-proof gimmick, sear it into your mind, & never forget it cuz sooner or later it will be memory hole'd like Tom Arnold's Drumpf tape.)
Weird. Anyways...with these based boulders...they'll never know what flop-housed their little surveillance state plans! (Though the classic rock sounds of good ol' Q95 coming from your backyard might give it away.)
If you don't have or can't get WFBQ Indianapolis via radio (and are too stupid, lazy, or poor to go to a website where they stream free)...or even if you do get the Q but you miss hilarity of Bob & Tom and that modern shit just won't cut it...then getchu some of these new fandangled "compact discs." I hear they're all the rage these days. They even got Cindy Lauper on "CD" now. Times they are a changin'. Catch up, bub.
(TFW you just learned how the laser replaced the needle.)
Hell, you could be pleasantly surprised. After they hear the comedy stylin's of Mr. Obvious, Donny Baker, & The Electric Amish...instead of pissing off your rude residential rival...you just might end up becoming back alley beer buds.
(Then you can get him drunker than a girl on a date with Pill Cosby and talk him into throwing his pesky palantîr in the recycle.)
Bobert & Toe-más themselves are alright, too...but their laughs were the real stars of the show. Of course, it's a given that Bob is cooler than Tom because Bob once liked TWO of our Tweets. 😱
(Bob Kevoian...right the funk on, bro! Dog gone it...people like us! On another note...remember Twitter? Click HERE to read more on how we got "suspended" from "The Free Speech Platform.")
Plus, they say the word "Boobs" a lot...so there's that. In this PC pansy-ass police state we're forced to live in these days...words like that being slung so unflinchingly...it's an American treasure like Rambo, Andy Griffith, and Playboy before the spoiled soyboy son took it over.
(Rumor has it that when crypto collapses...it will be replaced with old comedy CD's...with the rarer ones being worth the most. That's your "Q" to buy all of these before Civil War 2.0 pops off like a tube top.)
Of course you're asking under your breath: "About these "Rock Speakers"....do they, by any chance, have another secret? Can they transform into He-Man's allies...The Rock Warriors?" (Not to be confused with The Rock Lords, The Rockers, The Rock N Roll Express, or The Road Warriors. We're talkin' 'bout Stonedar and Rokkon, bub.)
(For that answer...you'll just have to buy 1 to 50 Rock Speakers to find out for yourself.)
OOOOOR...you could steer clear of audio attempts to achieve victory and just pull the ol' Cam Back. We're better than them...so we don't do this BUT if you're like "Alright mofo, I've tried errayting. You wanna get petty? Say cheese cuz you on Candid Camera!" then you gotta do what you gotta do, bub.
"Cam backs" are usually reserved as a bitch-made move pulled off by some lurkin'-ass wage slave hypocrite (or The Po-Po) trying to violate Americans' God-given Constitutionally-protected Civil Rights and govern public sidewalks built right outside his/her/zer's place of enslavement employment to "trespass your eyes."
🎶They start gripin' and they don't stop gripin'🎶 that you're filming them in public, where they have no expectation of privacy...so they film you back, in revenge. (You just got filmt, son! Dang...burn. Callda ambalamb.)
In this case, your creepy-as-fuck neighbor is NOT in public filming...they're staring at & recording your PRIVATE backyard like it's Oogle Image Search. Zoomin' in for wedgies, nip slips, sweaty boob cracks, tropical-smelling lotions n fine oils being rubbed onto succulent, smooth stems, and tryin' to snap "feet pics" to post on the Dark Web. (Some of y'all right now: "How does one get on this...so-called..."Dark Web" you speak of? Asking for a friend." You might want to get a VPN...perhaps from Virtual Shield...though not sure it's goin' to help you evade the 5 Eyes, 9 Eyes, and 14 Eyes, ya weirdos.)
So look...it's not egregious to flip it around and reverse it like a Missy Elliot track...simply to teach that Sauron-lookin' mofo a lesson. (Witcho big ass cyclops-lookin ass that couldn't block a 3 Stooges eye poke of doom if your infernal existence depended on it.) Do unto others as they have done unto you until they stop doing unto you as they wish not to have done to themselves. Everyone knows that one by heart. It's like the Pledge of Allegiance or Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio featuring L.V.
(Did that evil cis bro-gendered white man devil just call someone off screen "boy"? If we find out that the target was a POC...then we're going to call Big Al & World Star on him cuz that's grounds for a 1-on-23 gang jumpin' by non-descript "teenagers.")
Try these high definition prying peepers to bring privacy to a screeching halt on both sides of the fence. Who needs the right to privacy when we can ALL be watched by Big Brother 24/7? Welcome to The Burbs, bontch!
When arming up with electronic eyes...you're best bet is a wired set...as it protects you from showing up on one of those "hacked security cam" sites. I say this since no wireless camera is 100% secure...because they're totally accessible by those with the tools, the time, & the expertise...like when "Santa" hacked this Mississippi girl's in-room Ring camera.
(Think about that if you are using a GoPro that has GPS when filming those "wild plants" you "found"..."in Minecraft"...which is any model after the Hero 4. Though even the GoPro 4 (and before) use WiFi and Bluetooth so those aren't 100% safe either.)
No, you won't be able to watch thieves robbing your house from your "phone" at work but neither will anyone else.
(Speaking of Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo...what if you just book him to swat that damn camera like he's rejecting Michael Jordan.)
With wired, someone has to know how to physically cut into the cord to splice into it like they're defusing a bomb on MacGuyver. Of course, if you have your hard drive linked to wifi...then your shit's gonna be as secure as the Texican border.
(Not only is "AmaZod" giving away your internet access to strangers but you're turning your whole crib into a mega-microwave using that mini-Cell Tower to connect to the internet. Get you some fiber for your computer & an Ethernet adapter doodad that connects your phone so you stop getting radiated like you're living in front of a military-experiment-turned-commercial-product. AND with that Ethernet adapter smart phone gimmick...while you still can't watch thieves break into your house from your "phone" at work...you CAN watch thieves break into your house from your "phone" from your home!)
Remember, there are Sting Ray & DirtBox devices sold off the books to law enforcement & black hats out there constantly lookin' for new content so wired...while annoying to set up versus just connecting to wifi in the blink of an eye...is your safest bet.
(PSA: Your safest bet is actually not betting at all as gambling is a sin...but if you're going to bet...just don't bet with these👇coppers or you might find yourself doin' another dime in The Clink.)
Or...if we may veer off the road for a second (time) and go through a secret short-cut on Rainbow Road...instead of lowering yourself to their Low-Income-Larry Flint-level with the whole "filming them back" gimmick...you could rise above with righteous violence...(again..."in Minecraft")...against the spy apparatus that never sleeps. There are several anti-lens options to block out the univision of this dastardly, demonic device...and they don't use sound.
(This is an artist's rendition of that neighbor & their invasive photography fetish in physical form.)
There's the "crawl-over-in-a-ghillie-suit-and-old-tubes-of-G.I. Joe-Camouflage-Paint-on-your-face-like-you're-Chuck-Norris-In-Mission-In-Action and tape up that sumbitch like I do all my "phone"'s camera lenses ever since I saw Narq Suckaturd does it with his webcam" tactic. (Shwew...try to say that 3 times fast. There are probably grips of videos of you beatin' off to porno in first person point of view (for your assigned FBI agent)...stored at that one place that that one guy told us all about before he escaped to Russia...to use against you as blackmail when you try to run for office or get too big for your britches and try to be a heroic whistle blower like Brandi Vaughan. Might want to get some painter's tape, bub...though we noticed it didn't stick very well to an iPhone X's protruding lenses. Maybe try these cam blockers.)
Then you got the trusty "You'll shoot your eye out, kid" option where you take an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time and pop a headshot in that housebot.
For a more Storm Shadow-esque quiet snipe...you can also use a Ram-bow & Arrow. Get it? #CornyJokes
(Maybe don't use the explosive tips, though...they tend to be a tad on the loud and highly illegal side. Actually, using any projectile to damage property is probably illegal so just use your mind to wish it away.)
Pardon yet another "Squirrel!" distraction moment but speaking of G.I. Joe Ninjas Dudes reminds me...you know Snake Eyes, right? Well...remember when he looked like this👇? No? You're not alone...because neither do most fans seeing as how he was always masked like a #CoVidKaren. The people who cast the new Snake Eyes DID KNOW THIS but are feigning that they don't know he's supposed to, according to the comic books, be played by Ryan Gosling.
Or maybe Mickie Rourke?
Jeesh. No wonder Mr. Eyes always wore a mask like a hypochondriac scared of spooky air...he had an awfully busted mush that looked like he walked face-first into a buzzin' Blackhawk propeller.
Ol' "Silent but Deadly" was played by Ray Finkle Ray Park in the almost cool G.I. Joe live-action movies...though you never saw his face. Yes, Rei-Paku San is the same guy who was rad-ass Darth Maul in the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy & the evil mutant, Toad, in the Bryan Diddler's X-Men movie. But as for reprising the role of Snake Eyes...unless Ray can get transracial surgery like Rachel Dolezal or fEminem...it's not gonna happen this time, pal. Not that his agent, Pervey Weinstein, didn't try...because try he did. (Then Mr. Weinstein did something gross to a potted plant/cooking pot.)
Uh...that's startling. A nip/tuck for a paycheck? Who in their right mind would cut themselves for money? Who?
(Let's play "Squirrel!" distraction moment Inception...a distraction within a distraction. Ya know...if Vince signed this Crazy Monkey...you better believe that just 1 of Cena's AA's could beat his obviously soft and feeble, incapable-of-taking-even-small-amounts-of-punishment-without-folding-instantly roody-poo candy ass on his debut. Then he's off to work with Funaki on Shotgun Saturday Night & maybe...just maybe...a program on Sunday Night Heat against Val Venis. His WWF career highlight would be a hitting a Pearl Harbor Splash, while wearing a dress, off the stage onto Mae Young's breach-birthed Thing to win the Diva's Title. His WWF career lowlight would be when Moppy backstabbed him at Royal Rumble in favor of The Toxic Avenger.)
("Moppy will never forget Ruby Ridge...err...9/11...err...that thing y'all supposedly did back in the deezay...no matter how much free sushi you feed him! Ya hear me, June Kasseye? If that is your real name. 'MERICA! ASSSSAHHH DADDY!" - Citizen Toxie)
(Now for a real mindbender...a $hit Break within a "Squirrel!" distraction moment Inception gimmick...just to pay the bill$. Goes like this: Hey stupid goys...err..."cool dudes"...yeah you! Like to watch stuntmen bleed half to death in scripted slice n dice sports entertainment? Bro, you're gonna love our Pro Wrestling Legends Collection & FITE TV!)
Speculation has that the agent tried so hard and fought so long...that it started to remind Ray of that time when the writer and the director of Blue Streak were trying to get Dave Chappelle to wear a dress.
Nowadays...blond hair, blue eyed badasses like Johnny from Karate Kid need not apply so...Snake Eyes is CHINEEEEE. (Or whatever.) Row! Winnie The Pooh will be very preased. Y'all got a definite Chi-nema Cash Cow on yer hands here, fellers. Now all you need is John Cena to lock in the win. (The Doctor of Thug-a-nomics is like the 80's "Real American" Hulk Hogan...but for China.)
These decisions are FOR SURE gonna #StopAsianHate and #KillWhitey at the same time...just like it did when some "woke" "comic book artist" changed bald headed G.I. Joe, Salvo, into Nia Jax.
Suck it, ugly ass YT Pipo! Best to do pharmaceutical drugs & get used to race swappin' you guilty-as-hell palefaces out with BETTER PEOPLE cuz even THE G.I. Joe master storyteller and drawer-guy, Larry F'N Hama, says it's "cool."
But yeah...back to disabling that looky lou with "listening closely" as it's super power.
("Dizamn...is that your neighbor? Soooo HOT...want to touch the hiney! Maybe she's obsessed with you & wants to bump uglies?" Well, she's a guy...soooo.)
A Dennis the Menace-style sling shot can be way more discrete and just as effective as a bolt. Just getchu a ball bearing (or banned Bucky Balls) like that screeching Gypsy wahman from Stephen King's Thinner.
Strip it down to the basics and take it back to the old school style...like B.C. days...and sling a rock at it like when David merc'd Goliath.
Then there's the use of future weapons. Just like how we touch on earlier how the needle-based Victrola was replaced by laserdisc players...you can replace all these projectiles that leave a trail of incriminating evidence...with legal laser beams! Pew Pew!
Your backyard can look like a shoot out on Snake Island with less-lethal lightweapons shootin' left and right...disabling your enemy's optics! The Turbine Guy shows you how to do it in this video:
Another creative option involves a lasso and a pick-up truck. "Hiyo Silverado...AWAY!"
(There's a final, last resort option but it's kamikaze-hara-kiri-Death Wish-type shiznit called The Killdozer...and we don't talk about The Killdozer like Harry Potter characters don't talk about Voldemort. Shhhhh...don't tell anyone what JAWSOME vehicle you're building in your garage.)
But yeah...back to totally legal, low-level, mild, & safe sonic funk attacks aimed at the enemy's periscope with ultra-sarcastic, non-legal advice that won't get you sent to Guantanamo Bay for a decade of sensory-abuse, brainwashing, & waterboarding.
(Speaking of sensory abuse...the trip TO American Cuba is just an appetizer foreshadowing what horrors are yet to come.)
(Speaking of waterboarding...isn't that what this kid with Fake News-induced Stockholm Syndrome is doing while wearing his muggle muzzle while he swims?)
Want to annoy your keen-eyed keeper AND clean poop out of the tread of your Made in the USA New Balance kicks every time you step outside? Go with the tried and true analog option and adopt a non-stop barking dog. (Also known as a Wooferton or Barkington in our humble abode.) See how well it worked against this T-800:
(Hey fEminem...it's me again...DuStan. I want to remind you that if you touch my "loud ass muthaf***in' barkin' dog" and meet my loud ass muthaf***in' Shotty Too Hotty...yah mean!?! No mercy. John Wick-type shit to follow.)
"I see your barking dog...and raise you squawking Raven." - Edward Alan Poe
(Uh oh...no face diaper? John Cusack gon' get Crow-Vid.)
Or...hit him with ol' Doc Brown's Massive Amp and a Doot! (Which is definitely highly illegal...dooting, that is. So whatever you doot...don't doot it...but if you do doot it...which you shouldn't...but if you do doot...definitely video record it or doot never happened. These are the rules.)
(Step it up a notch and make it even NOOICE'R by rockin' our Officially Licensed Back To The Future Apparel while you doot-to-def your ever-encroaching, constantly-listening, nosy neighbor.)
Lesson for you's kids that didn't/don't have an awesome Dad like mine...who taught me this...the most important thing for those about to rock: TURN IT ON AND RIP THE KNOB OFF!
And if all that fails to stop the big eared Polaroid Noid...there's always Halloween. 🎃 #MaskUp
<- PREVIOUS ARTICLE NEXT ARTICLE ->