Out of shear luck and calendar magic...2019 gives us a really rare Friday the 13th in September...allowing us to officially begin celebrating, planning, & prepping for ol' October's Hallowe'en almost a month in advance! (Some of us are secretly in this mode all year!)
Down the line, some of you might be reading this in October...or any time of the year, really...so while it's definitely a rad coincidence & a great reason to start off the Haunting Season...if you're a Jason Vorhees fan 24/7/365...then this one's for you!
So if you are up late tonight, watching Jason poke Kevin Bacon in the neck with an arrow...or if it's past Friday the 13th & you're just an Camp Killer enthusiast...then you'll surely appreciate this thorough list of Action Figures ("They're not dolls!)...all available at all-powerful, all-knowing AmaZod Amazon. Help us out & make a purchase from'em through our sweet links! (Then swing back around & pick up some Custom and/or Exclusive DiehardDesigns.com swag!)
Funko is keeping it campy like a Crystal Lake with their cartoonish creations. Only they can turn such horrible killers into adorable dolls. ("THEY'RE NOT DOLLS!") (But they look a lot like dolls, though.) (😡)
They even made cute bag head versions...which on the strizeets are called "One Eyed Willies."
And there's a sweet lil' Freddy vs Jason Combo Pack from their VINYL line:
Grow up in the 80's with He-Man, Battle Cat, Skeletor, & Buzzsaw Hordak? (If you had a sister then maybe you also grew up with She-Ra, Swift Wind, & Bow...who was a mean ol' #YTPIPO back then. His horse Arrow doesn't even recognize him anymore which is more the reason to #BoycottNetflix...or at least split the bill with a friend to minimize the evil...they're subverting your children!)
Well, Funko knows you dreams of cathode ray cartoons blasting you in the face before school, after school, & especially on Saturday mornings...and their Sugar Mountain-assisted psychological data mining has lead them to create detailed plans of bankrupting that ass by droppin' muscle-bound Masters of the Universe-style horror icons that'll likely be top picks in the 2020 Eternia Evil Team Draft. (Right after Anti-Eternia He-Man, of course.) Funko didn't just stop at Ja-Son...they made Fredator, Mike-O, Pin-E-Face, & Saw-Ful. Oh...they know what they're doing, alright...those brain-reading bastards.
Getchu a Magneto helmet to block their pre-cogs!
"You may have learned of my love for Masters of the Universe & mixed it my other favorite thing: 80's horror icons...but you can't steal my other dreams about Star Wars mixing with 80's horror icons!"
Funko be like: Oh Yeah...
Oh you thought they were done hitching a ride on your childhood like Marty McFly's Jeep-assisted skateboard trip to school...oh no...they've got more tricks up their sleeve than a mutant Cajun named Gambit. If you grew up in the late 70's & early 80's...then you might have been hit by Star Wars fever that was further exacerbated by mesmerizing Hills commercials.
Symptoms included obsessively collecting straight-armed/stiff-legged miniature versions of Luke, Han, Vader, & Chewy like you were Eric Foreman and swinging flashlights around like make-believe lightsabers. If you thought you were cured...think again because Funko's "ReAction" figure line turns Jason Vorhees into the next possible co-pilot for the Millennium Falcon...instantly switching that mental illness of "collect'em all" back on, full throttle. Skip the whole "hot wiring a Dalorean" gimmick & pick up this 'lil fella in the current timeline so he & Boba Fett can film a "Step Brothers" sequel together. Everyone will forget about Huff & Doback after they witness the buddy comedy antics of these two masked assassins from different underworlds!
(Speculation has that this is a newly released shot from the set of Step Brothers in Space: The Ballad of Jason & Boba.)
(That fella from Antz really copped an attitude, aye?)
Mezco isn't funkin' around...puttin' legit clothes on one of their fellas. (The "They're not dolls!" argument is getting more & more difficult to win when there are precisely sewn fabrics involved.) That Barbie-sized (but totally not crotch-less Ken) G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu Grip better be packin' a magic knife with dated visual effects to beat this undead undoll! (It was also revealed that you have to be related to Jason to kill him which is wack AF!)
Mezco also dropped this dope stylized treatment of the Hockey Masked Maniac...with a removable face shield, an axe & a machete...and 10 points of articulation so it's definitely able to participate in massive toy army battles more so than a Funko POP!. (While Funko's lil vinyl gimmicks are sorta kinda cool in a "my sister's Treasure Trolls" way...the rebellious child in me, wearing G.I. Joe Face Camouflage, a Karate Kid headband, & a bow staff strapped to his back, resents their lack of moving parts & would deem them worthy of a drop kick from my rad-ass Super Shredder action figure!)
Cinema of Fear has a really nice 2009 Remake Edition Jason for slightly under 3/4ths of a hundy stick:
The remake was alright...but over all it just didn't catch on just like Jackie Earl Hayley's Freddy rendition didn't click...though I personally dug them both as I dig different artists doing different renditions of a story. With that said...for most fans...Kane Hodder is Jason & Robert Englund is Freddy until they die...even if they need to use motion capture & stunt doubles for 99.99% of the movie. They can even pull an ol' Grand Moff Tarkin...no one will be mad. The 2009 F13 trailer was pretty fresh...definitely better than the entire Jason Goes to Hell movie.
Sideshow isn't "clownin' around" y'all. Looks like they put J-Vo in front of the shrink ray from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!"...it's that realistic! The price is real too...like really up there but if you're ballin' outta control or treatin' yo-self...or giving to that mega-fan...then grab this bad boy real quick before it's gone.
They have a Jason Lives version that, without the mask, looks like a burnt up version of Mac after The Predator hits him with a laser blast.
Now a quick word from our sponsor:
These guys made one for almost every movie...so let's start from at Part 1. Wait...a figure from part one?
Yep. Somebody made a Misses Vorhees & Lil' Jason combo and this time, it was NECA. (Because that's really what the smart marks have wanted all along...a sweater-rockin' Nagatha Shmagsworthy & her dead kid.) Heard that next year they're revealin' Mister Vorhees, Jason's very distraught Father! 😯
(That face when they come out with a Misses Vorhees & Dead Son action figure set.)
(Did someone say E.L. Fudge?)
The BODAN Ultimate Part 4 Final Chapter Jason comes with 2 Mask, 2 Interchangeable Heads, his Momma's tombstone (RIP), and a Tim "The Toolman" Taylor Starter Kit featuring a hunting knife (🎵banjo music plays🎵), hacksaw, meat cleaver, a double edged axe, & a damn corkscrew in case you're into "poppin' bottles" like a boss:
Part 5 Dream Sequence Jason is probably my second favorite because of that one-sheet poster exclusive mask NECA included...seeings how that was one of the first images of Jason that I had ever seen before ever seeing the actual films themselves thanks to a thing they used to call "Video Rental Stores." Speaking of renting videos...if you're lucky...or if you live in Hawkins, IN...you might have a Family Video within driving distance of your house...maybe even an independently owned and operated Mom & Pop video rental shop nearby. (The ultra-lucky ones live by the last Blockbuster store in the USA.) Check out these real world, physical businesses that employee actual human beings before they're totally gone forever. Anyways...back to referring you to an online-based business that's decimating brick n' mortar stores (and folks like us) cuz we gotta pay the bills, yo.
(We don't really have to pay bills. What are those?)
This one comes with a wooden tombstone that looks like kid's made it for a Pet Semetary, a doubled sided axe (cuz we knows how's you's like'ms doubled!), an extra split left hand (Sorry kids, no Red Right Hand included 😞), a machete, and an ice pick so you can put that cham-pag-nay on chill, ya feel me dawg!?!
(Which NHL Goalie is this?)
Part 5's Ultimate Roy Burns (not to be confused with Mr. Burns) comes with a Shit-ton of shed-based "assault weapons." The fact that he disguised himself as Jason is pretty cool actually...what a great idea.
(Notice Roy copied a certain mechanic suit-wearin' psycho? It's more noticeable in the version rockin' real, tiny coveralls.)
Ya know, why didn't the blood brotha from anotha motha, Nick "F'N" Gage, wear one of those sort of masks when he robbed that bank? Think NickFly, Think!
I somewhat blame myself for drop kickin' florescent light tubes into his face at IWA Mid-South Hardcore Wrestling's King of the Death Match Tournament 2008 but I ain't the only one who's knocked Gage in the noggin over the years so that makes me feel a bit better. Had he been thinking clearly & mercury-free...perhaps Nicky could've had the forethought to wear one of these masks which would've helped him avoid 4 years of having to fight off Nasty Nate in the clink.
Wear one of these:
Or team with Squirrel Master to fight off this dude:
Part 6 is the best one of course...JASON LIVES! I saw my first glimpse of the F13 franchise through the graveyard resurrection scene way back in the day when my Dad took me over to my Uncle Vince's and he & Aunt Debbie were watching it on Laserdisc! !!!LASERDISC!!! It was the future in the past! I had nightmares for weeks! What a horrid sight; maggots crawlin' all in & out of a corpse's face!
All that ghastly goalie ghoulish wretchedness is covered with his handy hockey mask. That trusty ol' puck reflectin' face shield & newly acquired tactical tackle box belt makes this look more like zombie survival prepper Jason...lookin' like he's 'bout to spear fish in the waters of Lake Minnetonka with that cast iron fence post. If he catches anything...he has his trusty huntin' knife & a noice machete to filet some fish for the barbie:
With all that Gander Mountain gear...Jason can finally snag that elusive Web Footed Red Crested Lake Loon.
NECA even released a Part 6'er that has to do it's own laundry. He's sporting very finely crafted apparel, if you look closely. Great job guys!
Part 7 "The New Blood"...19" Tall beast mode piece will chop a chunky piece out of your wallet & scare your pup all in one foul swoop:
Don't have the money for a foot and a half tall Jason doll? There's a smaller version available as well but it's not as likely to spook your dogwoof:
Part 8: I disrespect this sequel. Not a big fan like Patton Oswalt. So instead, peep the Camp Crystal Lake Accessory Set:
Look at this one scene from Jason Takes Manhattan (aka Jason Shits The Bed)...I think it's one of the many things from this movie that ruined his mystique. The Undertaker's not just walking through the subway without...at the very least...dimming the lights & playin' his entrance them. This is like when The Children's Museum has a Lights On Haunted House.
Part 9: If there is an action figure for this turd, Jason Goes To Hell (which is fitting actually)...then...why? Jason isn't really even in this movie. I actually hate it very much and never watch it. A random, no-name black dude (why didn't they hire Carl Weathers? Zuez? Mr. T?) eats Jason's heart and becomes Jason in mirror reflections only? What the unholy fuggg? If you're going to have a dude of any shade eat Jason's heart...have him morph into a Jason-esque corpse or no deals. Dude didn't even put the goalie mask gimmick on...it was such a rip off. Some critics compare it to Halloween III: Season of the Witch because, while using the Halloween name in trying to build a sort of "Tales from the Dark Side" anthology-type deal where every movie or two was a different Halloween story...it didn't have Michael Myers in it. The problem with that comparison is that Halloween III is awesome without Michael Myers...some might say it sort of explained his evil & expanded the universe that John Carpenter & Debra Hill set up...but Friday the 13th without Jason is gayer than waiting in line for 3 hours to ride the fuckin' Outer Limits: Flight of Fear roller coaster at Kings Island...(can we get some misting fans out here? Jeesh)...then getting inside and WAITING ANOTHER 3 HOURS! 😡
("If these video monitors loop this Space Farce horse shit one more time I'm going to have a seizure." - Last words of guy who croaked from looping video monitor-induced seizure.)
This 👇 is literally the only scene with Jason in the entire movie. Wish the film would go hell instead. (The film took the franchise to hell, for sure, but we wish the master footage would go to hell as in spontaneously combust & burst into flames...disappearing like NAZA's moon mission telemetry data.) Where's that studio film vault fire that decimates the master copies when you really need it?
(Yeah yeah...we heard about how the magic knife is linked to Evil Dead through the Necronomicon but that didn't pan out (there's still time for Ash vs Freddy vs Jason...it took forever just to do Freddy vs Jason...give them 30 more years) and the Knife Glove appearing to take the broken Hockey Mask down to the Satan from South Park didn't save it either.)
So...how 'bout for Part 9...we just pretend the NES game was Part 9?
We'll even throw in the fully clothed GLOW IN THE DARK version!
Part 10: Not sure if NECA dropped the ball on that Jason X doll ("IT'S👏NOT👏A👏DOLL!")...didn't see one, though it might be out there somewhere....so let's give Spawn's Daddy...McFarlane Toys...a stab at it! Todd & his talented team slam dunked the rock & broke the backboard like a Shaq Attaq:
A really cool 7" Freddy vs Jason version comes with 2 machetes (bloody & clean), fire to attach to the machetes to replicate the corn field rave massacre scene, a sweet wittle teddy bear (awe, bless'ims heart), & 3 removable masks. All that in a collector-friendly window box packaging with opening flap that allows you to ensure that he stays trapped in his cardboard prison for the rest of his days! (Toy Story is really a horror movie...you don't want that thing gettin' loose...it'd be like Disney's Puppet Master.)
There's a really bad ass 2009 remake version that stands 19" tall and looks like it was pulled directly from the film. (Maybe someone has access to the Golden Ticket from Last Action Hero?)
Who would you pull from the silver screen to beat Jason's dead ass?
There's a 7" BODAN version available, too. (BODAN must mean like Beast Mode or Bad Ass in Japanese...who knows, y'all...DuckDuckGo that ish.) Comes with an fire poker in case you wanna get nuts like Michael Keaton, a screwdriver, & a hammer (to annoy #FakeNews anchors like this fart gobblin' blabbler)...which are new additions to J's tool chest. Come to think of it...that whole "keepin' him locked away" deal I mentioned above...maybe rethink that and let him out from time to time to knock out a few handyman jobs around tu casa. Sorta like a Roomba mixed with a micro-sized version of a Chucky doll.
Alright...that about wraps up our Freshest Friday the 13th Action Figures for Friday the 13th* (*and Halloween!) shpiel. Hope you had a laugh & found something you, a family member, and/or friend would like. If you did...snatch that collectible ASAP...before it's gone!
Oh yeah...almost forgot:
☘️ For those of you who are childish AND Irish...there's a Mr. Potato Head Jason! ☘️
So remember, if you fellas need an lady friend to make you them special Friday the 13th French Freedom Fries outa Mr. Potato Head Jason's delicious tater face...there's a Laurie Strode figure with a vegetable knife.
Gon' girl...get in thur and get's to cookin.' And while you're at it...fix me up a sammich.
(Make Linda Hamilton cook.)