NEW GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS TRAILER IS "ATOMIC BREATH"-TAKING!
WATCH: NEW GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS TRAILER IS "ATOMIC BREATH"-TAKING!
Thought Crime by Diehard Dustin Lee October 17th, 2018
(This time, the only way Charles Barkley can beat Godzilla & his Dream TeamNightmare Squad is to hook up with his old pal Dan Majerle & the Phoenix Suns The Blouses aka Prince & The Revolution! )
(After "Love Symbol" makes it "Purple Rain" with nothing-but-net fade away jumpshots ..."The Mound Round of Rebound" hopes to serve blueberry pancakes to a defeated Gozira & his butthurt homies.)
This is the first sentence of this article and some of you are lookin' 'round like "WTF are you talking about...Barkley vs Godzilla!?! How is that real?" but we haven't even gotten to the meat & po-tay-toes yet.
(We're like...ready to ride off into paragraphical battle like Aragorn...and you're like...still on 2nd breakfast.)
Catch up, bro. We're discussing Barkley's role in the new Godzilla movie. Peep the backstory.
(Now that you're all caught up on the pop-culture references...carry on wayward son. There's a prize at the bottom like a box of Honey Comb.)
(We're gettin' to the trailer, bub...first though, Godzilla wants you to know that his side of the story is a tad bit different and by that he means he melted Sir Charles's face like a candle.)
Enough with the face melting...let's see that Trailer...shall we?
Warning: Semi-spoiler alert below.
It's here...the spoiler-laden Trailer to end all spoiler-laden Trailers:
(Closed Captions: Zappy Boom Crash Explosion Joker dies faster than Laurie Strode in Halloween: Resurrection...Batman & Robin '66 are toasted like a Quiznos Sub...Sarah Connor is incinerated like a cashed bowl...Smoke wins. Flawless Victory. Fatality. It's basically like if you multiplied Jurassic World by the same Gamma Radiation that mutated Bruce Banner into Hulk Hogan...the resulting catastrophe would cause a BlockBuster.-level extinction event.)
SIKE! That's the wrong number trailer!
(You should've seen the look on your face! You were all like "I'm so happy I'm watching the Godzilla trailer."AHHHHH NO YOU AIN'T!!!! You just got SWERVED! AHHHHHAHAHA! Keep going...you ain't there yet, playa.)
Some fans are saying "it seems like it might be a bit overloaded with characters." Their radioactive Spiderman 3-had-too-many-characters senses might be onto something. We're going to go out on a limb here and say the dudes who look like the love child of Dr. Brackish Okun & Jeffery Albertson should not be fully ignored. Look, schools are overcrowded, New York is overcrowded, and KotM might be overcrowded too. This whole shebang could hit the wall like a 30 year woman if it's got more characters than ol' Joey Schumacher's Batman & Robin '97. 🙏: "Please God...if Youzilla has too many characters...can you please make sure the final cut is released sans any latex nipple suits." (But you can always hope, Ellen DeGeneres. 😉)
It's all coming back to you now like a Céline Dion song. Oh yeah...you remember, painfully...the not-so-Dark Knight flick with more neon lights & glow-in-the-dark paint than last evening's night terror about a Monster Mini Golf lock-in hosted by Cindy Lauper & Captain Lou Albano.
"Alright, 'nuff horsing around like the famous Mr. Ed & bumpin' Simpsons Showtunes, Cap'n Slow Ride...show us the gosh-darned preview!" - Sincerely, You RN. Okay, sheesh...antsy pants over here...we're gettin' to it...just getting the crowd hot & ready with sassy infotainment...building up the anticipation for the Big Attraction. Admittedly, this has spun wildly out of control like Goolag's reaction to James Damore's scientific memo but our screed is still far, far, far away from beginning to resemble a Cryin' Brian Stelterword salad written in crayon & sealed with a fresh clear coat of liberal tears.
To no further ado...let's give the people what they want! Ladies & gentlemen...your Main Event:
THE OFFICIAL Godzilla: King of the Monsters Trailer (#1)
The lullaby you experience in the preview is the work of Russian composer Michael Afanasyey from Imagine Music. (Ruh Roh Raggy..."Muh Russia!") His grandiose take on Claude DeBussy's classic "Claire de Lune radiates a hypnotic pull that draws us in & leaves one feeling like there is weight to this Earth-shattering happening; there's meaning...there's loss...there's beauty...things will never be the same...and it's not just a guy in scaly Barney costume fighting with Dave Chappelle. While Afanasyey tackled the trailer...Bear McCreary (The Walking Dead, 10 Clovefield Lane, God of War, Battlestar Galactic) will be composing for the actual film itself. He's been quoted, by an anti-🇺🇸 alt-left anti-Gamer Gatewebsiteweirdo-magnet, saying:
"We knew from the beginning that we wanted to incorporate classic [Akira] Ifukube themes, and yet I think fans will be excited to hear how they have evolved. There are some fun surprises in store. Fitting the material and Michael’s visionary film, this score is the most massive I have ever written, and I can’t wait for fans to experience it!"
Check out "Claire de Lune" by Imagine Music:
Epic visuals, epic soundtrack, & epic trailer...Triple Epic...but still not impressed? Perhaps you would prefer the historical versions of these voracious, Voltron-sized vermin? Well isn't that a coincidence? You can take a gander at the alternate take of THE OFFICIAL Godzilla: King of the Monsters Trailer in CLASSIC TOHO SHTOYLE:
“Pupal DNA samples suggest a remarkable, multi-stage evolution. On reaching adulthood, Mothra’s gigantic thorax is capable of emitting beta-wave bioluminescence which can be projected through the intricate patterns on its wings and weaponized into blinding ‘god rays’.
As one of the deadliest and most beautiful natural phenomena in Earth’s history, no wonder this devastating guardian angel was worshiped as a goddess by the ancient human civilizations blessed to witness her.”
RODAN – Height: 154 feet, Wingspan: 871 feet
“Rodan’s wings are wrapped around its body in stasis, but our cryptos estimate a wingspan big enough to create a sonic thunderclap capable of leveling entire cities as it flies overhead. RF-Capture scans reveal that Rodan’s skin is not made of rock, but does have an outer dermis of sharp volcanic sediment collected from centuries of dormancy. Sci-ops theorizes the vulcanized appearance of its skin may be an evolutionary trait developed as a form of camouflage against mountain or large rock formations. Truly, a Titan forged in fire.”
KING GHIDORAH – Height: 521 feet
“Monster Zero’s dermal layer is gilded with trace amounts of aurum (See Ark Record # 73.126). Metallurgical studies theorize the scales act as a conductor capable of carrying bioelectrical currents through the creature’s body. Injuries have been discovered on several locations on the beast’s body, reminiscent of claw and scorch marks. Exo-Forensics are currently investigating.
Muscle tendons on the wings are so hyper-tensile that their massive aerodynamics could generate hurricane-force winds when in flight. Coupled with its body’s electro-receptor molecular biology capable of conducting electrical currents, water vapor in the air would be heated at extreme levels creating its own localized storm system as it travels. Simply put, if Monster Zero were to fly again, the stratosphere would be torn open by an otherworldly tempest of thunder and lightning our sky has never seen. Cryptolinguistics has analyzed translations of every worldwide case study of Monster Zero in the Monarch database across tens of thousands of years. The ancients called it Ghidorah.”
(An F5 ain't go shite on the forecast for Monster Zero. Now what say ye, Bork Lasener?)
POSSIBLE APPEARANCE BY PRANCING MANTIS TWINS – Height: Pretty Big (No info is available on this Ambiguously Gay Duo.)
Warning: Semi-spoiler alert below.
Peering into the crystal ball like Pippin sneakin' a peak at Gandalf's planatír, the future seems bright for the MonsterVerse as Legendary has already announced that the one & only KING KONG will be facing off against GODZILLA in Godzilla vs. Kong...debuting in 2020. Guess that means that Toast Face Zilla will somehow...survive the onslaught brought on by the omega mammoths in 2019's King of the Monsters. Woah. 😲
("That's right bish...big spoiler alert...I win the Global Honored Crown & main event in the next pay-per-view. And yes, these are authentic Oakleys.")
Your mind's spinning like before you play Pinata at a Quinceañera...there's soooo much info...soooo much awesomeness...how did we get here...to the Biggest Bad Ass Battle Royal of ALL TIME? Refresh your short-term, pot hole-filled memory & drink in the Official Trailers for the first two films that started this entire Moster's Ball.
So are you going to head to the Theaters or are you going to wait to watch it from the comfort of your Home Theater when it finally comes out for rent at Family Video, RedBox, or Digital Streaming Services and for sale on DVD or BluRay? Comment below & let us know what you think...even if you're #triggered by the snark!