(This time, the only way Charles Barkley can beat Godzilla & his Dream Team Nightmare Squad is to hook up with his old pal Dan Majerle & the Phoenix Suns The Blouses aka Prince & The Revolution! )
(After "Love Symbol" makes it "Purple Rain" with nothing-but-net fade away jumpshots ..."The Mound Round of Rebound" hopes to serve blueberry pancakes to a defeated Gozira & his butthurt homies.)
Some of you lookin' round like "WTF are you talking about...Barkley vs Godzilla!?! How is that real?" and we haven't even gotten to the meat & po-tay-toes yet.
(We're like...ready to ride off into paragraphical battle like Aragorn...and you're like...still on 2nd breakfast.)
Catch up, bro.
(Now that you're all caught up on the pop-culture references...carry on wayward son. There's a prize at bottom like a box of Honey Comb.)
Warning: Semi-spoiler alert below.
It's here...the spoiler-laden Trailer to end all spoiler-laden Trailers:
(Zappy Boom Crash Explosion Joker dies faster than Laurie Strode in Halloween: Resurrection...Batman & Robin '66 are toasted like a Quiznos Sub...Sarah Connor is incinerated like a cashed bowl...Smoke wins. Flawless Victory. Fatality. It's like if you multiplied Jurassic Park by Gamma Radiation...the results would more than likely send all the folks in the film down the path set forth by BlockBuster. (Meaning it's very probable that every single character will be #DELETED!) )
SIKE! That's the wrong number trailer!
(You should've seen the look on your face! You were all like "I'm so happy I'm watching the Godzilla trailer." AHHHHH NO YOU AIN'T!!!! You just got SWERVED! AHHHHHAHAHA! Keep going...you ain't there yet, playa.)
Sorry folks...(and Jack Nicholson Joker). Yes...that trailer was a work (the opposite of a shoot)...and yes, we flophoused one of coolest Batman movie lines of all-time...guilty as charged. But...if you're not the ol' "Here's Johnny!" hatchetman in wicked clown make-up (Woop Woop) then who cares right? You know how to count (not CommonCore-2+3=6-style) so you most likely calculated an astounding total of CUATRO pre-historic, meganormous, city-shreddin', ultraviolent "TITANS" in the rad, fan-made promo poster at the opening of this spiel. From that image along...we can ass-ume that this "Fang-tastic Four" is fittin' to hit us with mega-tons of John Tenta-like earthquakes, tower-high tidal waves festering with Sky Sharks, twirling twisters full of Bill Paxton & Chik-Fil-A mascots, falling skyscraper debris...possibly with Duane "The Rock" Johnson airsurfing on a piece of drywall, broken toy-like fighter jets gettin' strewn around like they're paper airplanes thrown through a wood chipper, nuclear waves worse than Fukishima & Chernobyl combined...oh, and last but not least...Great Pyramid-sized dung piles.
What We Get From The Trailer Without Spoiling The Whole Deal
It seems to be a pretty simple concept similar to previous incarnations of Godzilla but with updated, ultra-realistic visuals, mind-blowing sound effects, a grade A soundtrack, & much better acting. There might be a ton of really wicked plot twists that manage to differentiate it from past entries but we will have to wait & see. Once chillin' like sleepy villains & gettin' some Z's (as we suspect most dinosaurs are)...each gargantuan enjoyed an infinity nap...unbothered by mankind...lying dormant in hibernation either deep beneath the darkest sea, in the ice wall from Game of the Thrones, inside a Hawaiian volcano, under an old U.S. Toys 'R' Us brick n' mortar store, & at the bottom of Lake Titicaca. (HeHe...Titicaca.) But now, either by coincidental timing of their biological clocks, natural disasters, Liam Neeson, so-called man-made "accidents", or some sort of military entity (like the tax-slave-funded "Space Farce") and/or rogue agents, even, pulling off a, sort of, "targeted awakening"...all four are "WOKE AF" & it's looking like maybe each one of these fellers hate the world men have built just as much as a pack of all-black-clad, late 90's Marilyn Manson marks in JNCO's & DC Shoes. These grandiose beasts (and bugs) are leaving the scene lookin' like the aftermath of an anti-Earth rampage conducted by the Eco-Terrorists from Captain Planet The 2017 Women's Wenches' March.
(All that pollution was caused by "cLIEmate Change, Capitalism, & Overpopulation" lunatics like this.)
"LUCY! You've got a lot of 'splaining cleaning to do!" It's going to be a global disaster so devastating that it's going to make some people cry like DJT just got elected. Just wait until some of the Millenials in the film find out that the precious "interwebs" is offline...permanently. There's going to be Hara Kiri in the streets! Or it might be the opposite...it may sound so insane to some characters that they simply do not believe it...like the people on top of that building waiting for the alien "God" to beam them up in Independence Day or like the first time you actually listen to Alex Jones & one of his segments wakes you up & snaps you out your alpha state. (SugarMountain Mark has #shadowbanned us since 2016 & now he's banished InfoWars to The Phantom Zone!) If that's the case, then keep on scrolling down & feast your eyes upon the symphony of destruction unleashed in the brand spankin' new trailer for the Michael Dougherty (Trick 'r Treat, Superman Returns, Krampus) directed sequel to the Gareth Edwards' directed Godzilla reboot. It's nothing less than BAD ASS on a Brobdingnagian level! Here's a quick preview:
(Will this scene be in the movie? It's mere speculation at this point.)
The 2014 mammoth mega-monster epic marked only the 2nd ever fully American film studio-produced "Gojira" flick...but it was the 30th ever in the famed Toho "Kaiju Tokusatsu" franchise and yet also the 1st in Legendary's new MonsterVerse. ("Jeesh, slow down. That's more "MATHS" than a Scientismist with a mortgage throws at you to try to trick you into beLIEving we're spinning on a ball at 1K mph...67K 'round the sun...along with the Milky Way, which they say is going 1.3 Million mph." - Sincerely, Jim Gaffigan's inner voice.)
("I can't measure the Earth's motion nor can I feel it...but my Scientism Priest, along with his trusty unquestionable Scible, told me that my senses are too stupid to detect motion and that I'm just far too dim to ever be able to do the complicated "MATHS.")
There's already a "cuppa hataz" (remember Enzo?) sayin' it seems like it might be a bit overloaded with characters like ol' Joey Schumacher's Batman & Robin '97, sans the latex nipple suits. (But you can always hope, Ellen DeGeneres.)
You remember, painfully...the not-so-Dark Knight flick with more neon lights & glow-in-the-dark paint than last evening's night terror about a Monster Mini Golf lock-in hosted by Cindy Lauper & Captain Lou Albano.
(Is this Batman or a House of Krazees Mardi Gras concert?)
No one can (but everyone should try to) forget about how they ruined Bane (worse debut than The ShockMaster)...and the whole deal with Ice Ah-nold's "jokes n jokes n jokes" (did we mention he told jokes?)...and...last but not least...that Kill Bill bish that ate potato root or drank too much Herbal Essence way before gobbling down a tantalizing Tide Pod or two was a thing. Sure, your dream is swapping out this campy tramp with the Batman - Gotham By Gaslight version of Poison Ivy...lettin'em trade places so Uma meets the Ripper instead...but no dice. It's a well documented fact, confirmed by the almighty Snizopes, that we've all been deeply scarred by that experience & wish we could have Shadow Government Will Smith hit us with a neuralyzer...but you can't 🎶turn back time🎶...you aren't Cher. (Or...are you? Be honest, though. Guess with all the mental illness being legitimized by scientismists & authoritarians...you could identify as Cher or use Cher as a pronoun...it's close enough to "zer" that you can likely get away with it. If you use that then dibs on"Your Majesty" as a pronoun. And with that said, it's totes obvi that this timeline was broken when Reese failed to stop the T-800's brain chip & endo-skeleton arm from getting backwards engineered by Cyborg's Dad over at Cyberdine Systems...so it's quite possible that kids like Johnathan Edward Moore now rule, what's known only as, the McWorld.)
(Earth Emperor Moore's Father tried to warn us in 1994 but no one took him seriously. Now look at what Darlene Connor's kid is wearing. Nuff said, Cher.)
Some might argue that The Dark Knight Trilogy, The Avengers, The Watchmen, Star Wars, in it's various sequels, & even the controversially polarizing Justice League should have, by now, proven to us all that a tent-pole epic can have a ton of characters...IF DONE RIGHT...so we're hoping the same can be done with Godzilla 2's crammed-packed cast of cryptids and boring humans. (Note to Self: Just spotted a possible pattern - Tom Hardy's being used like a fix-it man to redeem previously misused comic-to-film villains? 1st Bane, now Venom. Next Up: Gargamel. Sorry Hank Azaria...you can't just play legendary characters like The Simpons' Apu, perfectly, entertaining millions of fans, for years AND get away with it. Who do you think you are...an actor or something? Only cartoon should be able to voice other cartoons!)
(Tom Hardy erases a 3rd comic-to-film villain travesty with the upcoming "Smurf War: Venomized Gargamel." Spoiler Alert: They eat a ton of "Smurf Houses" in this movie.)
So if you're one of those armchair critics still saying that stale ish 'bout our grande muchacho G'Zilla & his Hungry Hungry Hombrés....you might try to shut your filthy mouth, you commie bum give it a chance first, before pre-judging it 'cuz son, this pelicula looks boss-level JAWSOME! (Street Sharks reference plus spanglish = edgey.) Plus, 🎶The boys 'round here🎶 don't tolerate any sort of hate speech against Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms, ya fuggin' bigot. What's this newspeak known as hate speech you ask? Awe nothing...just a lil' label we use like a police state baton to crush that pesky 1st Amendment "right" whenever we hear or sense, using "muh feelz," anything we don't like to hear you say (type, scribble, or think, you lil' thought criminal)...'specially 'bout our favorite large livin' Thunder Lizard.
("Take Your Hate Speech, Guns, & Roses OFF THIS CAMPUS!")
Now that you mention your evil prejudices...can you believe they call our boy GZ a "gorilla whale" over in Japan? 😡
("Gorilla Whale!?!" 👏OH👏NO👏THEY👏DIDN'T!👏)
Roseanne got fired for a similar violation of Verbal Morality Statute (disparaging government parasites on Totalitarian Twitter)...except so-called "yt-passing" Ms. Barr, who is famous for her offensive "blackface"-like performance where she portrays a WASPish "blue collar, Bill Clinton-sending-jobs-away-with-NAFTA-style DemoKKKrat that got her news from mockingbird media outlets on mega-corporation-&-government-controlled TV turned cartoonish caricature attempting to mirror a highly informed, internet-using MAGA Hat-wearing DJT Supporter" character on Broadcast TelL-Lie-Vision in order to program fly-over country to accept the pedophilia of sexualizing kids & open borders, didn't commit an additional offense by "Fat Shaming" her arch-nemesis Ari Valerie Jarrett...which is now punishable by death in the United Kingdom. (In the good ol' USA...they just fire you from your job & let you starve to death while hiding in your basement from lynch mobs wielding pitchforks & smart phones and the paparazzi that killed Princess Di.)
(Update: They've found a replacement for Roseanne! Rodan, the liquid-hot magma retardant, pterodactyl-like monstrosity, won over 2 other proposals...replace her with Rosie O'Donnell or a framed & autographed photo of Kurt Rambis.)
She may be out of work now but who needs a stinkin' job when there's plenty of sidewalk space in Downtown Indy just waiting to be claimed like a homestead plot during The Oklahoma Land Rush in Far & Away. Disney (ABC's parent company) seems to be cleaning house these days...no racial jokes (even though Roseanne has made attempts at even darker jokes before, hypocritically using her own race/religion as a shield to make racial jokes and South African, Asian, Indian, black comedians say racial jokes all the times) or pedo jokes ("buh bye James Gunn" in a David Spade-"Total Bastard Airlines" voice. Wait, what? NOOOOO!!! What aboot GotG3? What he said couldn't be that baaa...HOLY SHNIKES! Those are creepy. Maybe check his computers...just in case. Is there ever going to be a statute of limitations on thought crimes, bad puns, dark humor, & immature jokes?). As for the The New York Times & Salon however...not so much. While not nearly as child-friendly as The Mouse House, there's still a possibility for SJW's to get salty & scream at the sky...praying to Moloch for Legendary Pictures, the Toho Company, or Ishiro Honda's ghost to get their comeuppance for the past microaggression of naming an animal after another animal. Anywho...back to speaking about good ol' Dr. Zaius. (But weren't we though?) You know that new sound you looking for? Well listen to this:
(Click HERE to browse our Back to the Future Apparel & Home Goods.)
(Wait 'til King Kong sees this offensive musical...he gone go #ApeShit like Jay-Z in an art museum. Just like employees at Rexnord & Kevin Spacey...all y'all losin' your jobs. Now that you mention Kevin Spacey...it reminds us...have you entered our "Replace Kevin Spacey With..." RoastMasters Contest? Download the FREE Template HERE. Our Featured Example has a fella who's just snapped into a scrumptious carrot, getting spooned by Xenu's Arch Bishop & flesh bridge connecting Teegeeack to The Galactic Confederacy.)
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"Alright, 'nuff horsing around like the famous Mr. Ed & bumpin' Simpsons Showtunes, Cap'n Slow Ride...show us the gosh-darned preview!" - Sincerely, You RN.
Okay, sheesh...antsy pants over here...we're gettin' to it...just getting the crowd hot & ready with sassy infotainment...building up the anticipation for the Big Attraction. Admittedly, this has spun wildly out of control like Goolag's reaction to James Damore's scientific memo but our screed is still far, far, far away from beginning to resemble a Cryin' Brian Stelter word salad written in crayon & sealed with a fresh clear coat of liberal tears.
To no further ado...let's give the people what they want! Ladies & gentlemen...your Main Event:
THE OFFICIAL Godzilla: King of the Monsters Trailer (#1)
The lullaby you experience in the preview is the work of Russian composer Michael Afanasyey from Imagine Music. (Ruh Roh Raggy..."Muh Russia!") His grandiose take on Claude DeBussy's classic "Claire de Lune radiates a hypnotic pull that draws us in & leaves one feeling like there is weight to this Earth-shattering happening; there's meaning...there's loss...there's beauty...things will never be the same...and it's not just a guy in scaly Barney costume fighting with Dave Chappelle. While Afanasyey tackled the trailer...Bear McCreary (The Walking Dead, 10 Clovefield Lane, God of War, Battlestar Galactic) will be composing for the actual film itself. He's been quoted, by an anti-🇺🇸 alt-left anti-Gamer Gate website weirdo-magnet, saying:
"We knew from the beginning that we wanted to incorporate classic [Akira] Ifukube themes, and yet I think fans will be excited to hear how they have evolved. There are some fun surprises in store. Fitting the material and Michael’s visionary film, this score is the most massive I have ever written, and I can’t wait for fans to experience it!"
Epic visuals, epic soundtrack, & epic trailer...Triple Epic...but still not impressed? Perhaps you would prefer the historical versions of these voracious, Voltron-sized vermin? Well isn't that a coincidence? You can take a gander at the alternate take of THE OFFICIAL Godzilla: King of the Monsters Trailer in CLASSIC TOHO SHTOYLE:
May 31st, 2019 is the day the dastardly dinos of death dine on the dominion of man...and just like Tracy Smothers says..."Everybody's gonna die!" Prepare yo self, fool...by hoarding food supplies, water filtration devices, & camping gear and also by checking out the "killer tofu kaiju" stats from the informative, formerly Top Secret Monarch Sciences website:
MOTHRA – Height: 52 feet, Wingspan: 803 feet
“Pupal DNA samples suggest a remarkable, multi-stage evolution. On reaching adulthood, Mothra’s gigantic thorax is capable of emitting beta-wave bioluminescence which can be projected through the intricate patterns on its wings and weaponized into blinding ‘god rays’.
As one of the deadliest and most beautiful natural phenomena in Earth’s history, no wonder this devastating guardian angel was worshiped as a goddess by the ancient human civilizations blessed to witness her.”
RODAN – Height: 154 feet, Wingspan: 871 feet
“Rodan’s wings are wrapped around its body in stasis, but our cryptos estimate a wingspan big enough to create a sonic thunderclap capable of leveling entire cities as it flies overhead. RF-Capture scans reveal that Rodan’s skin is not made of rock, but does have an outer dermis of sharp volcanic sediment collected from centuries of dormancy. Sci-ops theorizes the vulcanized appearance of its skin may be an evolutionary trait developed as a form of camouflage against mountain or large rock formations. Truly, a Titan forged in fire.”
KING GHIDORAH – Height: 521 feet
“Monster Zero’s dermal layer is gilded with trace amounts of aurum (See Ark Record # 73.126). Metallurgical studies theorize the scales act as a conductor capable of carrying bioelectrical currents through the creature’s body. Injuries have been discovered on several locations on the beast’s body, reminiscent of claw and scorch marks. Exo-Forensics are currently investigating.
Muscle tendons on the wings are so hyper-tensile that their massive aerodynamics could generate hurricane-force winds when in flight. Coupled with its body’s electro-receptor molecular biology capable of conducting electrical currents, water vapor in the air would be heated at extreme levels creating its own localized storm system as it travels. Simply put, if Monster Zero were to fly again, the stratosphere would be torn open by an otherworldly tempest of thunder and lightning our sky has never seen. Cryptolinguistics has analyzed translations of every worldwide case study of Monster Zero in the Monarch database across tens of thousands of years. The ancients called it Ghidorah.”
(An F5 ain't go shite on the forecast for Monster Zero. Now what say ye, Bork Lasener?)
Warning: Semi-spoiler alert below.
Peering into the crystal ball, the future seems bright for the MonsterVerse as Legendary has already announced that the one & only KING KONG will be facing off against GODZILLA in Godzilla vs. Kong...debuting in 2020. Guess that means that Toast Face Zilla will somehow...survive the onslaught brought on by the omega mammoths in 2019's King of the Monsters. Woah. 😲
Shop our Officially Licensed Classic King Kong (1933) & KONG: Skull Island Apparel by clicking HERE & HERE.
Your mind's spinning like before you play Pinata...there's soooo much info...so much awesomeness...how did we get here? Refresh your short-term, pot hole-filled memory & watch the Official Trailers for the two films that started this entire Moster's Ball.
So are you going to head to the Theaters (MoviePass or not) or are you going to wait to watch it from the comfort of your Home Theater when it finally comes out for rent at Family Video, RedBox, or Digital Streaming Services and for sale on DVD or BluRay? Comment below & let us know what you think...even if you're #triggered by the snark!