AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR ORIGINAL SEQUEL TITLE LEAKED!?!
AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR ORIGINAL SEQUEL TITLE LEAKED!?!
Thought Crime by Diehard Dustin Lee James Gunn and Wanda Sykes April 1st, 2019April 26th, 2019MAYJune 30th, 2019 July 3rd, 2019
Oops...scratch that July date...it's August 26th, y'all! Ready for some dated sarcasm!?!
(The "Pain" is referring to what you will feel when trying to read this farticle. As Zandig would say: "TOO MANY WORDS! JEEZUZ!)
So...Is Tom Holland going to tell us the ending too?
(Don't you ruin it either now! Sure, I started writing this back before Avengers came out but I had shit to do (it's called owning a bidnezz) so you may have seen it already, Mr. Burnscrooge McDuck...with your "vacays," "weekends off," "petty cash," and your precious "popped corn"...it's been out for a grip, yo...but we're waiting for Redbox so we can ride our bikes & get it for 75¢ or 🆓 & shmizz dem herbs while we watch it versus paying $15 bucks to sit next to "a ruh-tard" that speaks to the silver screen like it's an Amazon Alexa device. (Does LimeWire or Pirate Bay still exist? Hate supporting Nazi-asspedo-ass Disney with our hard earned fiat currency.) And about the Daleks taking video store clerk jobs...sorry Family Video but Mark Ruffalo's weirdo tweets made us not want to spend the measly 3 bones.) (Lemme guess: Spider Tom The 3rd shows off Stark Industries' newest IronPad 3D featuring a CoD4 screenshot of a Tom Hanks NPC while getting suited up backstage for track & field training in the Danger Room? Is this the device that beats Thanos? Again, don't spoil it...I'm waiting for the bootleg VHS to drop.)
We've graded the Avengers on their "WOKE AF" levels so now let's look at the participants in this not-happening Wacky Race:
(Another list!?! YASSS QUEEN! Check it though, we don't make you click like a trillion & a half pages that take forever to load AND our ads are for our own products & services...plus some affiliate links...so this is way cooler. But hey, if you want to have your browser lock up on listicles from Zergnet...go for it, bub.)
(If you can't hear this hilariousness...then turn up your damn speakers. Derp.)
Some anonymous sources (thank you NYTimes) are saying The King Kat of Wakanda should bow out of this particular race because all he's really doing is running from responsibility back at home. Mr. T ('Challa) pities this fool & says he don't know that kooky bish but for sure, she needs to stop blowing up his phone from private numbers while he's with working out or else he's getting a restraining order.
Speaking of kids...remember when kids of the wrong color wore the Black Panther costume for Halloween? (Yeah, me neither.) As if that Crazy Hot Asian chick dressed as Okoye up there didn't already get me #TRIGGERED.
(What the hell is a "kid of the wrong color"? Is that even a thing? My nephews love all cool super heroes...but are they allowed love cool super heroes of different pigments like Black Panther? Should Target even sell me a Black Panther costume or should I be arrested for trying? These questions & more in the next episode...of The Twilight Zone.)
Guess with that in mind...we're not going to see Rick Jones step in to lead the reclusive African nation. Awe shucks.
(Like Macaroni said..."Nationalism is Treason. Blue is Red. 2 + 2 = 5. Defending the border of Wakanda with a laser wall AND super soldiers? Off with their heads! Also, no doors on homes...time to share, stingy grinches...and no private property...it's everyone's property. Oh and no guns...we'll protect you. Now stop protesting the "global warmingcLIEmate change wealth theft & redistribution" gas tax & line up over by that ditch you dug at gunpoint & turn your dirty faces away from us vhile vee load zee rifles.")
(Sharing stealing is caring wrong.)
Zir Christina Evans...who plays the patriotic & awesome heroic super soldier evil Nationalist militia member, Captain Imperial Inbred Redneck Slave Owning Racist Country America in the propaganda movies & a whiny, limousine liberal ❄️ in RL & on Twitter(the aforementioned social engineering platform creating faux consensus & outrage)...sees everyone ze disagrees with as a "time traveling Nazi." (Here to kill Sarah Connor?) It's actually a mental illness according to this Doctor and a great way to pull a "Get Out of Losing the Debate FREE" card on someone shattering their fragile ideology like Luddites smashing the cotton gin.
(With this card it's like playing the classic board game Monopoly but only in that you have a monopoly on victimhood.)
Yep, ze & his ilk have daily insane & dangerous delusions about the return of millions of long dead soldiers of that fecal mustache-having...Shitler. Folks like Chrissy E thinks these creeps still exist & have military arms like this is Colonia Dignidad, Chile 40-50 years ago. Sure there's probably some nuts out there who think it's WWII, like these walking turds, still but purdy sure...they're 100% wrong, highly outnumbered, & highly outgunned. The real threat today, in McCarthyism 2.0, is getting mislabeled a real life Colonel Klink or a Sergeant Schultz by some pink haired spit launcher...you could lose everything just by the accusation. Reminds you a bit of Puritanical Salem in 1692-1693. Make an O.K sign with your hand nowadays lands you right in Social Justice Jail and you might as well have dressed up as GaydolphShitler (or Fascist Dictator Chef Roseanne) for Halloween!
Paint an American Flag mural on the outside wall of your business? You're now a fuggin' Nazi for some reason.
Being a popular Jewish speaker like Ben Shapiro or Dennis Prager...or attending their speeches? So much Nazism...I just can't. SHUT. IT. DOWN.
Don't vote for Hitlery Killtons? Well, in Backwwards World, lead by Backwards Man...you're an undead 1940's German Soldier who personally started the second World War.
("This heel turn was supposed to draw in you flyover Deplorables but instead you dare reject it & take the Red Pill? No matter. Despite not winning the Presidency, I am still in the Deep State! Onward with the unrolling of The Verbal Morality Statutes!" - Darth Hillary)
Blah Blah Blah...let's cut to the chase already: The main reason Chrissy won't win the Race...he's a misogynist for appreciating oogling her unrestrained voluptuous knockers ample breasts!
(Dang girl...dem sum Tig 'O Bitties!)
(Daaang...dem jugs drew flies faster than a steamy pile of dog shite on a hot Summer day! Repeat after me: "PizzaGate is a conspiracy theory. PizzaGate is a conspiracy theory. PizzaGate is a conspiracy theory.")
Forest Gump, I'm sorry to say, will be disqualified & uninvited for being a brave Patriot who served his country in the Vietnam War. (Thanks a lot Jane Fonda!)
Because never forget...'Merica was never great. (Or so we are told by people who hate America & the people who live here.)
(Difficulty Level: HARD)
Falcon won't win despite being mislabeled a "victim" and a "minority" just because he happens to have dark skin. This beast mode soldier is strong, independent, hard working cis-het male pushing heteronormative stereotypes of gender by being a rad pilot in control of innovative personal aviation machinery. They'll say he's a "black white supremacist" like Kanye, Candice Owens, and Black Mic...so he won't take home the gold. So just like Scarlet Johanssen said about playing an anime character..."Me So Solly."
(A spot so good...it gets referenced twice!)
Bucky...he's not been a loud enough voice for "social justice" online so his self hatred & racial guilt, or lack there of, is highly suspect. He might not feel guilt for who he is & who his ancestors were (or weren't)...and that's obviously problematic.
Tony Stark...the 1% white supremacist who's fortunes were gotten by fascist means like capitalism & war...who's real last name is likely Drumpf...who won't vote Bernie/Cortez 2020 cuz "muh taxes are too high already"...don't even ask...cuz his Father & he didn't build Stark Industries...Obama & Big Guv did. So you better learn about the evil patriarchy & why "HEY HEY, HO HO...TONY STARK HAS GOT TO GO" you bigoted & privileged toxic masculinity-having #ComicsGate #GamerGate #MensRight extremist fanboys.
THE DIVASLADIESCHICKSGIRLSBROADSDAMES 2 BEINGS THAT IDENTIFY AS FEMALE
Michonne & Black Widow, while unable to beat any male Avengers or marathon runners in any real life physical activities other than screaming quite shrilly, swinging CGI swords to "kill" alreadydead people, and crappin' babies out their front holes, will likely have twice as much gas in the tank as all BROs combined so look for the first place trophy to equally go to the coven in the name of "we're like...totes progressive & inclusive...unless your a yucky old fashioned straight boy who's part of the oppressive patriarchy...believe all women, you guilty-by-association rapists...neo-segregation safe spaces now!" Oh yeah, and if you haven't noticed yet...women being the hero in all fictional media is now enforced by law street violence.
(Why read the soft champagne socialist undertones in Playboy when you can just go full throttle with this "inclusive" mag? Now that the Lenny shut down...make the switch today.)
(Remember, if you don't succumb to their demands...Madonna is going to blow up all the white houses in your neighborhood cuz she's ultra tolerant.)
(Should'a painted it when you had the chance but nooooo...you had to play your precious Red Dead Redemption.)
At first, they might try to give the trophy to Black Widow...thinking that her name was signifying that she was some sort of super hero version of Rachel Dolezal, the lady who hates her ancestors & herself thanks to falling for Marxist anti-🇺🇸 indoctrination.
But then they'll see the name Michonne...and they'll think maybe it used to be a dude named Mitch who switched it up.
(Youdon't want to piss himher ZIR/HIR/THEM off or else you'll get the hose again.)
With that in mind, the terrified judges probably won't want to get accused of being a "transphobic" (fear of Transylvanians...literally a hate crime) and get burned at the stake in the public square blocked from earning a living and communicating through social media monopolies only to die in a slow motion starvation while everyone watches & does nothing to help...so they'll just say eff it...both passed the finish line at the same time so both are Numero Uno! Problematic problem solved!
So there you go...Avengers: Race War...it's only 15-20 bones per person for seats you can't change even if there's a stinky farter crepitating moist sharts with a thickness one can taste...almost mist-like it's it's presense...with the texture of that gaseous cloud shot from a Halloween fog machine with added rotting balogna scent or equally as bad...an inconisdierately loud interrupter speaking to the silver screen like it's FaceTime...
placed right next to you. And don't you dare wear a M.A.G.A. Hat...to be safe...don't wear a red hat (unless you're lookin' to get it confused & have your corpse sent to the ER...but ain't nobody got time for that...you're trying to hit Applebees before the night's over)...or anything resembling the stars & stripes unless you want to play the Knock Out Game witchyo cracka ass. Isn't that enticing?